I made the most stupidest and most embarrassing mistake today. I was super worried it would cost me a friendship or cause some unnecessary misunderstanding. I'm really thankful it didn't :)

Okay, so I guess I kinda miss blogging.... Yes I know, how absolutely unexpected since I have never been one to keep a blog for a prolonged period of time. Can't quite put a finger on it but I suddenly can't resist the urge to revive this old blog (of course I deleted all the old embarrassing posts). Maybe it's because i'm supposed to be studying and as always, i'm ever so ready to procrastinate or digress. But to simply put it, I just feel like keeping track of the events in my life from now on so that I can read them next time and also to have a personal space to write whatever comes to my mind....

Anyway first year exams are looming ahead. Its less than a month away and I am so damn unprepared. I don't feel confident for any subject and I am really worried. Time is slipping away slowly yet I can't seem to kick this bad habit of slacking. Every time I study, I force myself to do so and I can only concentrate for a pathetic 1hour before I start using my phone. It gets me so frustrated because despite all my worries and incessant nagging from the mother, I still refuse to study diligently wtheck. I'm just digging my own grave. I'm already in SIM, another setback in my life and yet I don't seem to understand the importance of studying. I would have like to think that i've slowly gotten used to the fact that I am in SIM and I shouldn't still be brooding over it but I can't help but think of how 'second class' it feels to be studying here. My parents have accepted the fact that I am in SIM and they aren't looking down on me but encouraging me but I, myself still feel so sore and lousy because deep down I know how much emphasis is placed on brand name and paper chase. Yes. Society is indeed harsh and cruel but that's life. You just suck it up. Many times I have been worrying about my future which I haven't quite figured out yet. Embarrassing much. Most people by now would know what they want to do in life whereas i'm just floating around. I find it so embarrassing when people ask me what do I want to do in life next time and all I can churn out is a crappy, vague answer. They must be thinking "Man this girl is so stupid" and form this lasting impression of me, as many might have already felt. I really feel upset about it. I feel so stupid sometimes when people see me in such a way like I am some bimbo. I need to work towards being smarter and more mature. I need to start thinking deeply instead of being so shallow/superficial. This shall be a goal of mine.

But I can't understand myself sometimes. What's stupid is that here I am complaining about how crap it feels to be stuck in SIM and I can't bring myself to study. Seriously..... sigh. I can only help myself I know. I shall keep trying to study and hope for a better tomorrow. I hope I'll find my drive and motivation soon. Hope i'll start enjoying studying so it makes it less painful. Well at least i'm learning stuff when I study to make myself feel less stupid. Yup, consoling much...

Dreadful 6 hours of econs lecture tomorrow, sigh. I probably won't even know whats going on since I cleverly obtained a 9 for my econs prelims AND from prelims up till now (a good 2 months worth of time) I haven't even studied much of econs. My progress is negligible because i'm still stuck at damn chapter 2. YES. SIMPLY WTF. I need a slap to wake me up. Shall just get through the 6 hours and study tomorrow night to make up for time lost. I need to keep the momentum going and not burn out before exams.

Shall sleep early to make my sorry ass feel better.